SPOKEN INTRO: ANOTHER YEAR HAS COME AND GONE, IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN. I CAN’T WAIT TO EXCHANGE GIFTS. EVEN THOUGH I GET THE SAME THING EVERY FRIGGIN’ YEAR. YANKEE CANDLES, INCENSE, FEBREEZE, SOAPS AND DEODERANTS. AHH THAT TREE IS LOOKING PRETTY DRY. IT’S GONNA BE A REAL BITCH FOR SOMEBODY TO CLEAN UP. MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY THE PEACE AND QUIET BEFORE EVERYONE WAKES UP. THIS PLACE CAN GET PRETTY CRAZY WITH CHRIS BEING SO HORNY, TAMMY BEING LEZZY, CLIVE BEING SHADY, HAL BATTLING SEASONAL DEPRESSION, GRANDMA BEING DRUNK AND ME I’M STARVING! BUT THERE’S NO PLACE IN THE WORLD I’D RATHER BE. HEY, WHO FARTED? I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TUBE, FOOD CRUMBS ON MY BOOBS SAME THING DAY IN AND DAY OUT. CHRISTMAS EVE YOU’LL FIND ME MUNCHING ON SOME SWEETS I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS RECLINED WITH SWOLLEN FEET CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE SO CHEERY UNTIL THEY BLOW A FRIGGIN’ FUSE THE LIGHTS ALL GO OUT THEN WE PANIC AND SHOUT GET THAT FRIDGE BACK ON DON’T WASTE MY FOOD! I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS WHILE MY CHILDREN GO OUT TO PLAY CHRIS WILL DRUG YOUR DRINKS, TAMMY’S FINGERS WILL STINK BEFORE NIGHTS END WE’LL ALL GET LAID--------

JIGGLE MY, WIGGLE MY SEXY FUPA PUMP FROM UP FRONT, SLAM INTO MY GUNT DANCING AND PRANCING LIKE GOOD GAY BOYS DO ONLY MAKES ME WANNA RAPE YOU. JIGGLE MY, WIGGLE MY SEXY FUPA I WANT YOU TO MAKE IT SHIMMY AND SHAKE IT’S SNOWING, I’M GLOWING AFTER OUR WILD ROMP MAKE ME A SANDWICH WITH A PICKLE ON TOP. WHAT A NICE TIME IT’S THE RIGHT TIME TO SLIP IT IN MY BUTT KISS N TELL TIME IS A SWELL TIME TO GET ME OFF BEFORE YOU BUST A NUT. GIDDYUP COWBOY AND DIG IN YOUR SPURS RIDING MY FUPA RIGHT YOU LOVE TO MAKE MY BELLY JIGGLE LIKE A BOWL OF JELLY THEN I’LL GOBBLE YOUR COCK. JIGGLE MY, WIGGLE MY SEXY FUPA PUMP FROM UP FRONT, SLAM INTO MY GUNT DANCING AND PRANCING LIKE GOOD GAY BOYS DO ONLY MAKES ME WANNA RAPE YOU. SUCH A GREAT TIME FOR US TO UNWIND AND HUMP THE NIGHT AWAY YOU AND ME CAN GRIND TIL WE LOSE OUR MINDS OR GO RIDING IN A ONE HORSE SLEIGH. (BORINGGG) SMACK MY ASS, RIDE THE WAVE, HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE ENJOY THE RIDE TONIGHT CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND SO ARE YOU JUST DON’T GET IT IN MY (HAIR) JUST DON’T GET IT IN MY (EAR) PLEASE DON’T GET IT IN MY EYE!!!

SANTA BABY , SLIP BURT REYNOLDS UNDER THE TREE, FOR ME I’VE BEEN AN AWFUL GOOD GIRL SANTA BABY, HURRY UP AND BRING HIM TO ME. SANTA BABY, I COULD REALLY USE A BRAND NEW…MOO MOO I’LL MODEL IT FOR YOU, DEAR SANTA BABY, SO HURRY DOWN MY CHIMNEY TONIGHT. THINK OF ALL THE FUN I’VE MISSED THINK OF ALL THE GAY BOYS THAT I HAVEN’T KISSED NEXT YEAR I COULD BE JUST AS GOOD IF YOU MOVE BURT TO THE TOP OF MY LIST SANTA BABY, I WANT SOME COCK AND REALLY THAT’S NOT … A LOT BEEN AN ANGEL ALL YEAR SANTA BABY, SO HURRY UP AND PUT IT IN ME. SANTA HONEY, ONE LITTLE THING I REALLY NEED…THE DEED WE’LL DO IT ON THE SOFA SANTA BABY, PLEASE HURRY UP AND GIVE IT TO ME. SANTA CUTIE, FILL MY STOCKING WITH BURT’S MOVIES…AND SOME CHEESE YOU KNOW I LOVE THE CHEDDAHH SANTA CUTIE, HURRY UP AND BRING IT TO ME. COME AND TRIM MY CHRISTMAS TREE, FEED ME SUGAR COOKIES, WATCH ME STRUGGLE TO BREATHE I GET WINDED JUST FROM SITTING UPRIGHT, BUT I CAN PROMISE THAT YOU’LL GET SOME TONIGHT. SANTA BABY , SLIP BURT REYNOLDS UNDER THE TREE, FOR ME I’VE BEEN AN AWFUL GOOD GIRL SANTA BABY, HURRY UP AND BRING HIM TO ME.

I’LL HAVE A BLUE…WAFFLE FOR CHRISTMAS GIVE ME A BLUE…WAFFLE FOR CHRISTMAS WHEN YOUR COOTER HAS BEEN BEAT, AND LEFT LOOKING LIKE RAW ROAST BEEF AIN’T NOTHING STOPPING IT FROM RELEASING POST COITAL QUEEFS. AND WHEN MY BLUE PANTIES START FALLING THAT’S WHEN MY BLUE WAFFLE IS CALLING YOU CAME FIRST BUT IT WASN’T A RACE, YOU UNLOADED UPON MY FACE I’LL HAVE A BLUE…BLUE BLUE BLUE WAFFLE - INTERLUDE MADE A MESS , MY SHEETS ARE STAINED, YOU PLOWED THROUGH ME LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN AND I’LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE BLUE BLUE …BLUE WAFFLE FOR CHRISTMAS.

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY MY SCOOTER TRYING TO STEAL MY GODDAMN WHOOPIE PIES SHE THOUGHT THAT I WAS SLEEPING CUZ I WAS SNORING SHE WAS WRONG NOW SHE’S GOT A LIMP AND ONE GLASS EYE ON CHRISTMAS EVE SHE COMES A WASSLING AND PLANS TO STAY JUST FOR THE NIGHT THEN PLOPS HER FAT ASS ON THE SOFA CHANGES THE CHANNEL AND EATS UP ALL MY PIZZA BITES I FEEL HER BEADY EYES UPON ME HER DENTURES CLACKING, SHE LICKS HER LIPS I KNOW SHE’S CRAVING SOMETHING SWEETER SINCE SHE JUST POLISHED OFF MY LAST BAG OF SALTY CHIPS GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY MY SCOOTER TRYING TO STEAL MY GODDAMN WHOOPIE PIES SHE THOUGHT THAT I WAS SLEEPING CUZ I WAS SNORING SHE WAS WRONG NOW SHE’S GOT A LIMP AND ONE GLASS EYE SHE WAKES UP AT 4 IN THE MORNING BACON AND COFFEE FILL THE AIR NORMALLY I WOULDN’T MIND IT BUT THAT OLD FART HAS NO INTENTIONS TO FRIGGIN’ SHARE. NOW YOU COULD SAY I LOVE MY GRANDMA LIKE ANY GOOD PERSON WOULD DO BUT WHEN IT COMES TO CHRISTMAS GOODIES THAT HEIFER ALWAYS SWALLOWS BEFORE SHE CHEWS. GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY MY SCOOTER TRYING TO STEAL MY GODDAMN WHOOPIE PIES SHE THOUGHT THAT I WAS SLEEPING CUZ I WAS SNORING SHE WAS WRONG NOW SHE’S GOT A LIMP AND ONE GLASS EYE SHE’S BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH EGG NOG SHE ATE THREE RUM CAKES BY HERSELF NOW SHE’S PINCHING CHRIS’ BOOTY AND TELLS TAMMY ALL DYKES ARE GONNA BURN IN HELL NOW GRANDMA’S HAD JUST ONE TOO MANY IT’S TIME TO SEND HER ON HER WAY I SAW HER REACHING FOR MY WHOOPIES I KNEW THAT I MIGHT JUST KILL HER IF SHE STAYED

OH CHRISTMAS TREE SHAPED SNACKS FOR ME MADE BY LITTLE DEBBIE OH CHRISTMAS TREE SHAPED SNACKS FOR ME CAN’T WAIT TO FILL MY BELLY MY DOCTOR SAYS, NO SWEETS FOR ME BUT I’M NO SLAVE TO DIABETES OH CHRISTMAS TREE SHAPED SNACKS FOR ME YOU’RE WORTH LOSING MY FEETIES. OH CHRISTMAS TREE SHAPED SNACKS FOR ME SUCH PLEASURE DO YOU BRING ME OH CHRISTMAS TREE SHAPED SNACKS FOR ME I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE READY I WAIT ALL YEAR, JUST FOR YOUR TASTE NOT A CRUMB, WILL GO TO WASTE. OH CHRISTMAS TREE SHAPED SNACKS FOR ME MADE BY LITTLE DEBBIE

HERE COMES AGITA, HERE COMES AGITA AFTER A BIG CHRISTMAS MEAL THREE TURKEYS AND STUFFIN’, GOTTA EAT MY FIGGY PUDDIN’ BEFORE IT STARTS TO CONJEAL MY HEART RATE’S THUMPINGAND MY TUMMY IS A GRUMBLING SOMETHING JUST DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT NOT SURE IF I SHOULD VOMIT OR GO SIT ON THE TOILET CAUSE I’LL NEVER GET TO SLEEP TONIGHT. HERE COMES AGITA HERE COMES AGITA AFTER A BIG CHRISTMAS MEAL MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY, RICHARD SIMMONS COULDN’T SAVE ME WITH HIS GODDAMN DEAL A MEAL! I’VE EATEN SO MUCH STUFF, BUT I JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH I CAN FEEL IT SLOWLY COMING BACK UP GOTTA TRY TO WASH IT DOWN, DON’T WANNA STAIN MY NIGHTGOWN IF I SHOULD HAPPEN TO UPCHUCK. HERE COMES AGITA, HERE COMES AGITA AFTER A BIG CHRISTMAS MEAL THREE TURKEYS AND STUFFIN’, GOTTA EAT MY FIGGY PUDDIN’ BEFORE IT STARTS TO CONJEAL MY HEART RATE’S THUMPINGAND MY TUMMY IS A GRUMBLING SOMETHING JUST DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT NOT SURE IF I SHOULD VOMIT OR GO SIT ON THE TOILET CAUSE I’LL NEVER GET TO SLEEP TONIGHT. HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS AFTER A BIG CHRISTMAS MEAL HE’S LOOKING FOR LEFTOVERS, NOTHING LEFT BUT RUSSELL STOVERS AND A FRUITCAKE A THIEF WOULDN’T STEAL! MY EARS ARE RINGING AND MY ASSHOLE IS SINGING I’M BREAKING INTO A SWEAT I’VE DISAPPOINTED SANTA NOW I’M CHUGGIN ON MYLANTA AND THAT LAST FART WAS LOUD AND WET.

12 TWELVE BEERS TO DROWN MY SORROWS HAL 11 ELEVEN VALTREX PILLS CLIVE 10 TEN DYKES A FISTING TAMMY 9 NINE SKIDMARKED UNDIES MAMMY 8 EIGHT CONDOMS BREAKING CHRIS 7 SEVEN HOMOS LOVE ME MAMMY 6 SIX LADIES QUEEFING TAMMY 5 FIVE HOOTERS WINGS FAMILY 4 FOUR UNGREATFUL CHILDREN MAMMY 3 THREE FINGERS DEEP TAMMY 2 TWO BOUNCING BOOBS CHRIS 1 AND A YEAR SUPPLY OF LITTLE DEBBIES MAMMY